Debbie Does Damage

Debbie Does Damage

Every pastor has to deal with issues like psychological transference. I thought I could handle this particular case, but it was my undoing in the end.
Before I get into this story, let's start with some background.

Debbie

Debbie was the child of missionaries who, claiming to follow God's call, had left her in a boarding school in a foreign country during her adolescence. Debbie never processed through the trauma of those experiences and continued to hold her parents up to be saints following God's call. While she always told me that her family was incredibly close (meaning her siblings and parents), Debbie herself had been divorced from an abusive, alcoholic husband.  I will not go into her current family situation here, but it raises serious red flags. These facts are inconsistent with Debbie's appearance of being an emotionally whole person.

"God's call" is important to Debbie. As many church-goers, she seemed to believe that "God's call" is an unchanging touch of God for only the most select people. These folks that God calls have to preach like Billy Graham, lead like John Maxwell, and cast vision like Bill Hybels. Being spiritually-minded may help too, but that's probably secondary to those with this view of "the calling." 

She believed she was called to be a staff person at the particular church I was pastoring and nowhere else. She became a staff person under a previous pastor. This pastor had loaded his staff with individuals who were relatives of board members--Debbie included. His strategy to add these particular staff was part of his autocratic plan. He assumed his staff could do whatever he wanted if they were family of church "pillars." Debbie was brought on staff during that era and continued on staff with the next pastor (who lasted 8 months) and was a volunteer staff member when I arrived. 

Debbie also had lots of exposure to church strategy through an organization she was involved with through the same former pastor. She read extensively on leadership, church planting, spiritual warfare (of the hyper-spiritualist variety), etc. However, the spiritual disciplines was an area that was lacking in her library.  In spite of these things (which were not broadly known), Debbie was respected as someone who did a lot behind the scenes. In my experience, however, Debbie didn't follow through on assignments, couldn't delegate, was constantly evaluating the senior pastor’s performance and the health of the church through a lens of subjectivity and hyper-spiritualism.  But, because she had "God's call" on her life, she was respected.

The first meeting

During my first week at the church, Debbie made an appointment. She told me the story of the failures of the previous pastor of 8 months, how he had abused his authority, been dishonest, and questioned both Debbie's loyalty and her trustworthiness in a board meeting. She told me she had been so burned by all of that had happened, that she was going to take it slow with me, the new pastor.

She also informed me that she and another person at the church had organized a Sunday service that focussed on reconciliation. I have discovered in the course of ministry that people who plan a service or deliver a sermon often think much more has been accomplished than what actually was. She truly believed that all of the dissension, all of the conflict, all of the hurt feelings and all of the sinful behavior over the 100-year history of the church had been dealt with by doing one Sunday morning service. (Perhaps this lets us see some spiritual pride in this case.)  After all of this information, she presented me with a bag full of books on leadership. Many of these books are on reading lists for pastors. I don't have a problem with books on leadership. But, the perspective of most of them was a secular one. There was not a single book on leading a church spiritually or biblically. Nor was there a book on self-care, or discerning God's will, or the spiritual disciplines.

The Next 5 Years

From that moment on through the next several years, my role with Debbie, the respected God-called person who accomplished almost nothing, was to continually infuse her with confidence that things would be okay. If I didn’t do this on a monthly basis at minimum, she would be convinced that it was time for me to leave because I was losing my vision for the church.  I also tried to be authentic with her about my own struggles, my attempts to hear and respond to God, etc.  There were many times over the years that Debbie would come to me very concerned about an issue or a person in the church.  I would address that, focus her on prayer and listening to the Lord, and remind her of God's vision for our church to reach our community.

Throughout all of these years, Debbie's husband had taken issue with me over the volume of the worship service.  (The decibel level--that was his alleged issue.)  He had been running sound for a while but didn't like the style of music we were playing in worship. He never came to me with his concerns. Instead he began to complain to Debbie about worship. Then, as people began to leave the church (as usually happens in a 100+ year old church with a new direction), he repeatedly told the membership that I was "killing the church."

This was not even close to the worst criticism I received as pastor of the church. But, I'll write more on that another time, including how my wife was confronted during worship, how my young daughter overheard a "pillar of the church" saying I was unfit to pastor over donuts before the service, etc.

Given Debbie's experience with ministers in her past, it is not surprising that I would be the object of her transference. He behavior perfectly fit the pattern.   She put a lot of hope in me early on, that if I could be a John Maxwell type of leader, I would make the church successful (which means more butts in the seats on Sunday regardless of where they come from or if we are reaching anyone). However, over time, she became more and more disheartened as many people left over 5 years. In fact, of the original group who were attending when I arrived, 75% left over that time. But, we also had brand new believers populating our Sunday mornings. Attendance was down some, but most of the new people who visited continued to attend. These were new believers.  People were being reached, but not at the same pace as the exodus of disgruntled Churchists who left.

I had always said it would take at least 5 years for any results for our efforts at revitalizing the church. About 2 weeks before my 5th anniversary as the pastor, Debbie wanted to meet with me. I had noticed over the course of those 5 years, that every time we were not communicating on at least a weekly basis, her transference would begin to tap into those emotions of disconnection and abandonment she felt at boarding school when her missionary father ditched her. I assumed we were going to have another one of our conversations in which I would point her toward the good that was happening, model discernment and prayer for her, etc.

One other key factor: shortly before this meeting Debbie had been to a session with some hyper-spiritualists. These folks were the kind that blame the demonic for every bad thing that happens in or around believers, and that prophesy over people based on their subjective feelings in the moment. Debbie was told that she was a "force to be reckoned with" like an "elephant in the jungle." This turned out to be far too true.

At our meeting, Debbie told me that I had been at the church 5 years and there "were no results." She continued, "maybe you'd be happier in some other line of work" because "even though you are a great preacher and worship leader, you don't have the gifts to be a senior pastor." She also told me that I waited too long to initiate new vision, tried to include leaders in the decision making process too much, and that I needed to lead more forcefully and autocratically. (Of course, I had been told the exact opposite by another leader in the church with his own unaddressed issues: that I moved to fast and didn't include enough people in decisions. That fact probably illustrates that I was somewhere in the middle of those extremes). Add to this the fact that Debbie had just been ordained a couple of weeks earlier even though she hadn't completely fulfilled the requirements of amount of time in service at a church. She also informed me of her husband's animosity toward me. She claimed that I should have addressed an issue with him that I never knew existed. She had also talked to another person about her concerns--a leader who often saw only the negative and whose only friends in the church didn't agree with the direction of the church. I knew this was a growing problem that was now moving beyond just her relationship with me and becoming a problem that could have devastating consequences on the church and my ministry.

Meanwhile, over the course of those same 5 years, even though personal outreach was held up as a high priority and my wife and I consistently modeled it, Debbie had never brought a single individual to any Sunday service, special service, or outreach event. But, as with most Churchists, what she never did to share her faith was never a consideration when she talked about Sunday attendance. Apparently, only the pastor was responsible for attendance, not the Churchists who never brought an unbeliever with them.

Debbie's "sabbatical," her return, her leaving again and the end of my pastorate

Shortly after that conversation, Debbie and her husband took time away from the church.  She called it “a sabbatical,” but it was really a time that they were trying to decide if they could continue to attend the church with me as pastor.  Her transference had reached the point that all the old, unidentified emotions were directed at me in the form of doubt, anger, and disappointment.  It caused her to question my “calling.”  

I think it is important to point out that this is a very common experience among pastors and anyone in a leadership role.  In this case, the emotions of being abandoned in a foreign land by a father following "God's call" have to be devastating to an adolescent.  Since these emotions had not even been acknowledged or processed over many decades, they often get directed at a person, like me, in a similar role of spiritual leadership.

Meanwhile, I had decided to go back to school to pursue another career to be a tentmaker in ministry so that my personal finances would not be such a burden on the church.  Also, in the meantime, our major vision for outreach was growing.  We had created a great ministry to reach youth in our area that was becoming very effective, impacting literally hundreds of teens.  This was beginning to translate into families attending on Sunday.  

Debbie and her husband came back to the church about 9 months later.  Much to my dismay, Debbie stepped right back into leadership and church board meetings.  It was clear to me that she had no business being included in leadership given her continuing psychological transference and her continued attitude about what the church was doing under my leadership.  She continued to believe that I should not continue to pastor even though by this time we had 40+ new believers over about a 3 month period, over 20 of whom were teens in our youth programming who had absolutely no knowledge of Christ previously.  But, the Sunday attendance was still not growing fast enough for the Churchists.  You see, Churchism focusses not on reaching people, but on getting butts in the seats on Sundays so that the Churchists can have pride in their church, even if the "results" mean that no one is reached.  Pride is not a positive.  It is one of the seven deadly sins.

After I had a meeting in which the church board unanimously supported my plan to go to school and continue to pastor the church, Debbie and I met again.  She had not been at that meeting (nor should she have been). I explained the situation.  Even though she expressed some questions about my going to school, at the end of our conversation, she asked "how can I help you in the church over the next year as you start school?" I thought that once again, I may have been able to contain the potential problems with Debbie.
Within a few days of that discussion, Debbie was talking to board members to let them know that she would not attend a church where the pastor was going to be attending school to embark on another career, even if it was to be a tentmaker.  How could I have "God's call" on my life to be the pastor and pursue such a thing? It became clear in a matter of days that I would not be able to continue as pastor without Debbie doing a great deal of damage to the church over an issue that I felt was personal to me, not an issue of church vision. Within a few days, Debbie left the church, informing me by email on a Sunday after playing in the worship band without saying a word to me about it.  She did, however, have a powwow with one of the church board members to stir up some dust on her way out the door.

Meanwhile, another board member who "was concerned for the finances of the church" (even though he didn't tithe, and in fact involved in the finances of the church in a highly suspect way) also began calling members of the board to try to get them to revisit the issue of my going to school and continuing to pastor. While he had voted in favor of the decision, he was truly opposed to it. There were many personal issues with this board member as well that I won't address here. But he contributed to the perfect storm on the board. Two (undeservedly) respected people were now openly expressing their opposition. Debbie's issues with me now had much more traction.

Within 3 weeks I resigned as pastor with no prospects of providing for my family.

My Downfall

My downfall was this: I never informed the leadership of the church about the depth of the issues with Debbie. I didn't hold her accountable for her lack of participation in the vision of the church, and I never confronted her directly about her transference with me (although many times I tried to lead her toward that realization). So, when she left the church (for the second time), it was a shock to many in leadership. Since she was well-respected in the church (and who I am to tear her down?), it looked like the sky was falling under my leadership.

Never mind dozens of teens became Christians. Never mind new families were excited about the church. Never mind that a fully entrenched church culture of over 100 years had begun to shift toward becoming a missional movement. Never mind that I was doing my best in an extraordinarily difficult situation to implement God's will for our church and community. 

When it was all said and done with Debbie, it was about her unmet and unrecognized emotional needs which fulfilled the prophecy that she is "a force to be reckoned with."

Fallout

I should add that my wife and Debbie had a close friendship. Both she and I are devastated by all that has happened. The personal betrayal was incredibly difficult. But, even worse was the loss of my income, the loss of our home, a relocation away from our and our kids' friends, and the loss of hopes and dreams for ministry in that place and maybe for ministry in a church altogether. The list of hurts goes on. It is hard to express how much pain this situation caused my family.

Meanwhile, Debbie is entrenched in a leadership role at the church, working closely with the next pastor while denying that she had anything to do with my leaving.  She believes that her feelings about my "call" were confirmed.